An ode to the Dad joke!

As it’s Father’s Day today I thought I’d post a few Dad jokes. I’ve not had much time to sit down and write a post as the kids want my attention as it’s been my birthday week and Father’s Day (something Louise constantly reminds me of every year, sometimes they fall on the same day!). I absolutely love Tim Vine and his one liners, so I thought I’d share a few of his with you today and others that I’ve also found on the internet. If you don’t laugh at any of these then please use the nearest exit door right now!

I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.

I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.

My son asked me to stop singing Oasis songs in public. I said maybe.

My wife is furious that our next-door neighbour has started sunbathing nude in her garden. Personally, I’m on the fence.

When the wife finds out I have replaced our bed with a trampoline… She’s going to hit the roof.

My wife said I never buy her flowers. I didn’t even know she sold flowers.

Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.

I went for an interview. They said, ‘Can you perform under pressure?’ I said ‘I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody’.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him. Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.

Do you ever get that when you’re half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes… She gave me a hug.

Today, my son asked, ‘Can I have a bookmark?’ and I burst into tears. 6 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Kieron.

Been out washing the car with my son. He said ‘Dad, why don’t you use a sponge like the other dads?’

My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.

I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.

This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?

I went to a Pretenders concert. It was a tribute act.

I’m here all week!! Thank you and goodnight!

Have a great day and enjoy the week ahead.

Kieron

#duchDad